Stories : The Persistent Minion and the Fallen Enchantress
Most of you have probably noticed by now that I’m a mage and thus have an elemental. Jobnar, my favorite, is the air elemental you usually see with me. He was always fairly loyal, a stand up guy, and he knows a lot of card tricks. Lately his attitude has left something to be desired. There was a time when Jobnar and I knew peace. That time has since long passed us by.
The beginning of this can be traced to when I purchased my Envenomed Sleeves. For those of you who don’t know, they have a clicky effect that allows your pet to talk. I believe Necromancers have a spell that does this. I stopped by the bazaar on my way home from work. Since my only job skills are being a magician, I do a lot of children’s birthday parties for a living. “Watch children as the powerful Cuedywene pulls a Staff of the North Wind out of a hat” I guess you can tell I don’t exactly make a killing doing this. Anyhow I made it home with my sleeves and set down to my first talk with Jobnar. At the beginning of our conversation we exchanged the usually pleasantries such as “wuz up biotch”…..”Not much Uncle Fucker”. Then we discussed our battles and I told him that I think his stun is very impressive and he expressed admiration for my Burnout and the occasional critical blast. He said when he is fighting with me he never wants for not and that he would follow me anywhere. All seemed smooth like a rhapsody but then she ruined everything…….
“She”, being my younger sister Lyonne. (66 chanter) She finally got her own account and moved her character off my account and onto hers. The day finally came when she was able to group with me and Jobnar. Jobnar immediately took interest in my hussy sister, he said to me in tells “Woohooo now that’s what I call a lovely lady…..Look Cuedywene she doesn’t have ears that look like they belong on the back of a television set” I was like “WTF Jobnar your elemental ass isn’t worth the malachite I used to cast you”. Having no regard to the fact that High Elves have feelings too he just laughed and laughed….actually he laughed his ass off….truth be told he was rolling in the floor laughing his ass off……/sob
Anyhow…Lyonne started buffing us up for battle and she threw some of her sweet sweet Haste on Jobnar and he started hootin and hollerin and strutting about like Howard Dean at a campaign rally. “CALM DOWN JOBNAR….you may well aggro the mobs in the next zone over!!!” I screamed. “Bite me mage…..how do ya like me … how do ya like me”. Said Jobnar with a glazed look in his eyes. Seeing that he was way too much for me to deal with I told him to start attacking mobs and I must say that he did rather well for himself all buffed up. The sad part is ..I didn’t have to say it…… he said if for me…he talked trash all day long. “Hey Lyonne…..see me tankin like a mad krazy bitch”, “Hey Lyonne….I can proc all night long…I can stun your ass from dusk til dawn”. That was about the time that Lyonne gated and I got sick.
I had never seen him act that horrid before. Once he got a taste of haste he lost his mind. “Jobnar you can’t behave like that….that is no way to talk to a lady” I said. “You really embarrassed me today. WTF do you want or need to calm your ass down?” A grin grazed Jobnar’s lips “Well ummm I kinda wanted ….well maybe you’d be willing….Will you get Pet Affinity?” “Jobnar that is 12 AAs that could be put to use elsewhere” I countered. And then right on cue he turned on the faucets and lamented on how he doesn’t feel important because he doesn’t get hit with group buffs and he feels like he contributes and no one notices. I reassured him that everyone knew what a great elemental he was but he said all he ever wanted in life was to be able to catch MGB’s w/ the rest of us. Good grief! I caved and spent 12 points to get this ability. I was foolish to think that would be the end of it.
Wednesday night as we raided Jobnar was being relatively quiet and behaving himself for the most part. The he sent me this tell that really had me taken about
“Jobnar tells you: ‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and parsing (I might add), and I’ve came to the conclusion that I can out DPS and I think I’m all around a superior raider than you. I realize though that I am bound to you but I think I deserve more recognition than just being Cuedywene’s pet. I think that it is only appropriate that given I am an eligible target for all the raid buffs that I be awarded some kind of DKP. I’ve fought along side you and you know that I’m the pimp when Lyonne hooks that haste up”
“Jobnar you crackhead Divine Chronicles isn’t going to award a summoned creature dkp..besides wtf do you think you’d buy with it” Jobnar shrugged “It’s a matter of principle…you should at least ask if you care about me at all”.
**Cuedywene begins casting Suspend Minion II**
At that time I gave up on having a pet until we got to the Bridgekeeper in RCoD. I got some revenge by chain casting Jobnar and feeding him to BK. How could a pet be so much trouble I wonder?
Last night when I got home from work I went out to take care of some chores at the bank and such and I noticed that Jobnar had his LFG up. I told him I was busy and that I don’t want to group at the moment but he said he wanted to see if a certain chanter might want to cast charm on him and take him for a spin and maybe hook him up with some haste. I told him that it didn’t work like that and he kept pleading for me to take him out. Can you believe the nerve? I caved again and went to do a DoN mission with Kumatti, Bradlow, and McMatthews. We had a good time and the mission was a success but I was having real problems with my pet. Luckily nobody in the group noticed that Jobnar wasn’t paying attention to me. I contacted Lyonne and asked her to send Jobnar a tell to ask him what the hell was goin on. I figured that if there was anyone I could get him to talk to would be that shameless enchanter. As it turns out Jobnar has put me on his ignore list indefinitely.
It seems in life that one should keep your friends close, yet your enemies all the more closer. Yes my friends there is deception blowing in the winds of Norrath. You may or may not have heard about the ordeal with my air elemental Jobnar. Oh the troubles that he has caused me ever since he met that newbian enchantress Lyonne. The short of that previous story he got strung out on her haste and like most addicts he let his ego and consumption get out of control. He no longer listened to me. He no longer needed me. Jobnar became an elemental all to himself. It kept escalating until he became SO full of himself that he requested that I petition to get him on the Divine Chronicles DKP roster.
I approached that situation very delicately with Poquita and explained to her my unique predicament. I told her that Jobnar currently had me on his “ignore list” and that he was not budging until he receives DKP. Poquita suggested that I consider therapy or possibly not playing Everquest anymore, or if I insist on playing EQ that I not do it in or around Divine Chronicles. “Umm gee Poqy…..I was just kiddin around….yeah is a joke lol…nothing crazy going on here” said I as I went about whistling on my way. So I was stuck with few options. I figured I would try my sister Lyonne, the fallen woman…..god I hate asking her for a favor.
“Why sure precious darling older, possibly barren sister of mine, I would love to help you and your, umm … shall I say ‘pet cause’” Lyonne said and threw back her head in an evil roar of laughter. “Umm gee thanks a lot bitch, what could I ever do to repay you” I asked very reluctantly. “Oh nothing I shall donate my services for free given my sad sister’s tragic plight.” said the enchantress all too eagerly. God my sister is such a condescending little twitch. Asking an enchanter for aid is like begging the devil for mercy. Such a contemptible class. “I wonder what she could be up to”.
The next day while I was out and about visiting with all the fair people in Felwithe I received a tell from Lyonne saying she had tried to contact Jobnar but it says that he isn’t online at this time. “Of course he is..I’m online .. you must’ve spelled it wrong…J O B N AR”. “Yeah I know your highness I tried it several times”. I had clicked off my pet window days before in frustration with the situation but in bringing it back up I found that the little bastard was gone. “Do you think Jobnar died?” said sis, “we could only hope to be so lucky” I said. I went looking through my spell book but my Child of Wind was nowhere to be found. “Where could it be..where could it be…Summon:Wisp…WTF does that do again?”
The following is an excerpt from Cuedywene’s petition she sent to SOE:
Ummm OMGZZZ JFC WTF you guys suxxxx!!!!!11! Where is my air pet….my OoW air pet.? How would I have gotten all my 66 spells w/o having gotten my air pet? I didn’t destroy the scroll…I have pictures that prove I have this pet. Check my magelo. My pet put me on ignore a few days ago and I haven’t been able to get control of him. I really need your help.
Here is some of what I heard back from SOE.
Sony Online Entertainment would like to thank you for you business but remind you that is good to take breaks now and then when playing video games. When people get sleep deprived or are in need of medication they often don’t enjoy their game play as much. We are going to camp you out to your desktop screen and your account will be frozen for 48 hours. I feel that when you log back on you should be able to find your 66 level spell Summon Child of Wind.
Then it was official…….I had lost my grip on reality. I thought I had merely lost track of the damn elemental. I started using my water pet more. We once were close but we had had a falling our many months ago. My water pet had a strong affinity for me, and he was always getting my robe soaked by trying to rub up on me all the time. The other high elves used to laugh thinking I had pissed myself. “Hey Cuedy…been wet dreaming about your pet again?” they would shout as I walked by. It was very embarrassing. Plus you always had to keep an eye on him given that vicious backstab he has. A water elemental is one that’s not to be trusted. I really missed my air pet and often my thoughts would often return to him. The times we had, the moments we shared. All those endless nights factioning in Dranik’s Scar…god I missed them. “I wonder where he is tonight?”
Just when I was certain all hope had been lost and that I was crazy I noticed my monthly charges from Sony had increased by $27. I was totally like “what the fuck now?”. I went and viewed my account online and saw “Legends server monthly fee”. “Oh my god….Sony is such a bunch of fucknuckles….I never asked to be moved to there”. I screamed as I paced back and forth in my room. I called Sony Online Entertainment to get some clarification on my account charges. After holding forever a bimbo customer service rep comes on the line and explains that a character move log request was filed for a toon on my account named “Jobnar”. “You mean that little bastard in now on the legends server? Without my consent? Without me to even play him? How the hell could this happen? Am I losing my mind here, Are there guardian notification laws in Norrath?” I inquired. “Ummm Miss Scatterbright are those questions of me?” Bimbo customer service lady said. “No nevermind….this is all a bad joke….hahahahaha” /em slams phone down.
Knowing someone must be behind this I sought out once again Lyonne. I went to the back allies in
I decided to go to one of my favorite pubs in
I am writing to let you know that you suck and that Jobnar and I are together on Stormhammer and we aren’t coming back. I know that this is probably very hard for you and that thought gives me much pleasure. I hope that this finds you in one of you favorite dives that you go to make out with dirty shadowknights after you have had too much to drink. I know that Jobnar belonged to you but I just had to have him. What can I say but his stun….it’s just so STUNNING! With the way we shag…we knew we had to start makin it on the legends server baby.
Lick my horses’ balls,
In closing here is one last thought
I’d like to share with you my friend
If you so happened to bother
To see this story to its end
Never trust your sister
With your pet all alone
Oh never trust a chanter
Especially one named Lyonne.